Of all the people I interviewed for my film, Behind the Bullet, it was Christen, the woman who attempted suicide by shooting herself in the face, whom I related to the most.
Her story was remarkable because around 58 percent of gun deaths in the US are suicides, and I felt it was an important story and perspective to tell. Only 10 percent of people who attempt suicide with a gun survive, so finding someone who was physically able and willing to talk about their attempt was extremely challenging. When Christen agreed to be interviewed, I was thrilled. And that was before I realized how much we had in common.
Christen came from a loving Christian family. “For the most part, I had a charmed life,” she told me. “Then in a short period of time, I lost my job along with my health insurance, my grandmother, whom I adored, died, and my dog died. I was forty-one, didn’t have a job, my bills were stacking up, and I was facing the threat of being evicted. After months of sleepless nights, I became increasingly unhappy and depressed and felt I’d become a burden to my family and friends. I felt like suicide was my only option.”
Christen was an adult with an apartment and life experience, not an emotional teenager like I was when I attempted suicide. But her desire to be in heaven with God, have all her problems go away, and simply end her emotional pain was profoundly relatable for me.
When I interviewed her on camera, Christen described how she tidied up her Washington, DC, apartment, then decided to go out on the balcony to minimize the potential injury and mess a bullet would have on her upstairs neighbor. “I wanted to shoot myself in the head and worried the bullet would go through the ceiling and hurt my neighbor or his dog.” She added, “also, because I’m an organ donor I wanted to preserve as much of myself as possible, to save someone else.”
Christen survived her suicide attempt but suffered greatly in the years following. The bullet had blown off her right jawbone, shattered a third of her teeth, and destroyed her tongue and right sinus before bouncing off the bone of her nose and exploding, smashing her right eye but, surprisingly, failing to pierce her skull.
She had daily pain and was constantly preparing for surgery, having surgery, or recovering from surgery.
What was remarkable to me was that despite her daily physical pain, she was the most optimistic, positive, forward-facing, empathetic person I’d ever met.
“Surviving suicide,” she told me, “gave me a new perspective on life. I survived the unsurvivable. When I wake up in the morning, I wonder, who am I going to help today?”
After her suicide attempt, Christen dedicated her life to visiting trauma victims, like her, to give them hope by sharing her story of survival.
“I tell them I know what it feels like to be in that hospital bed,” she shared. “Every time I help someone, part of me heals.”
I knew exactly what she meant.
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If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, go to 988lifeline.org or call/text 988 for immediate support.
For more resources go to bradyunited.org/program/end-family-fire.
Behind the Bullet is available on Amazon Prime.
