Your neighbor’s husband died suddenly. What do you do? Bring her a lasagna?
Your co-worker’s son died of suicide. Should you say something? If so, what do you say?
Your friend’s sister just died of cancer. You want to be helpful but you don’t really know what to do – should you just avoid her or say nothing?
All of us face these dilemmas periodically when something bad happens to someone we know. Many times we inadvertently say the wrong thing and increase the hurt they’re already feeling. Or we don’t do or say anything for fear that we’ll be in the way. So here’s a practical list of 10 dos and don’ts when it comes to helping someone who’s just experienced a death or trauma.
1. DO listen. As a rule, if you’re talking more than they are, you’re not being helpful. Think back to your worst day; who was the most helpful? The person telling you what to do or how to feel, or the person who just sat with you and let you talk and cry?
2. DON’T tell your story. It’s not about you. “When my father died …” language isn’t helpful. Don’t try and relate your pain – that’s essentially emotional theft. No matter how similar your story is, it’s not theirs. Their experience is different and happening right now. Let the focus be on your neighbor, co-worker or friend.
3. DO send a note. It may seem insignificant to you, but a thoughtful, short, handwritten note can mean the world to your neighbor who’s living through a particular kind of hell. Even if it’s months after the death, that note will mean a lot.
4. DON’T use platitudes like, “It was God’s will,” or “She’s in God’s hands now,” or “At least he had a good life,” or “You can have other children,” Your co-worker’s son was not a goldfish and can’t be replaced by other children. Such loss is devastating and so are the mental wounds from such mindless platitudes. Discounting statements like “at least …” hurt because nothing is going to make this situation okay. Instead, simply acknowledge the loss and express your sadness at the pain they are going through.
5. DON’T be vague. “Call me if there’s anything I can do” is practically useless. They’re not going to call; they’re too overwhelmed and too upset to even remember the offer. To someone in the immediacy of a trauma, the phone weighs 2,000 pounds and is simply too heavy to pick up for any reason, including asking for help.
6. DO be specific. Tell your friend; “I’m cooking dinner at your house on Thursday at 6 p.m.” The smells of cooking can be extremely comforting and calming. Offer to pick up friends or relatives from the airport. Take the kids to school or babysit after school. Vacuum their house. Take their trash to the curb on trash day. Imagine what you would least like to do in their situation – then volunteer to do it for them.
7. DON’T bring by a lasagna. People under extreme duress do not eat meals, they snack. Bring fresh fruit, vegetables, cheese and crackers – foods that you can eat with your fingers that don’t require cooking or clean up. Stress shuts down the digestive system. Heavy meals that require prep and clean up just add to the stress.
8. DO bring essentials. The three things that people most need immediately after a death or trauma are tissues, bottled water, and toilet paper. As family members, friends, and neighbors arrive they all need tissues and water. Water bottles eliminate the need for cups and clean up. More people means more bathroom visits so the need for more toilet paper becomes essential.
9. DO be human. If you see your friend’s sister at the grocery store, don’t duck behind the soup display because you can’t think of anything to say. This just makes the person feel alienated and lonely. Acknowledge what happened by saying something like, “I’m so sorry this happened.” You don’t have to save them or provide a counseling session. They might want to talk, they might not. Your lack of comfort will only make them feel more alienated. A simple hug goes a long way.
10. DON’T judge. “She should have had a helmet on” or “Your son was selfish for committing suicide.” That may be true, but it will cut them like a knife to hear it while they’re still processing what happened. No matter what your feelings—use neutral language, “I remember Mike’s smile. He was always so helpful to us. I’m sorry. How are you doing?”
In fact, a simple “How are you doing?” can go a long way. These situations are uncomfortable – for everyone. But with a little thought we can avoid increasing the hurt and even help when the worst happens to our neighbors, co-workers or friends.
